Born To Die
by Scarlettrey
Summary: Lily Evans was a singer who never wrote about love, for she didn't believe in it's existence. James Potter was an Auror who thought of love in a purely physical way. As fate ties them together, they not only learn the true meaning of love, but they begin to realise that sometimes love is not enough as their life throws them into a cyclone that they are barely able to hang on to. AU
1. Prologue: Sometimes Love is not enough

Disclaimer: The greatness that is Jily and pretty much everything in this fic belongs to J.K, and the lyrics Lana Del Rey.

Epilogue: Sometimes Love is not enough.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off – "  
James' back was straight, his head held high. He had always been proud man.  
Proud of his son, the day they had learned of his existence despite the unexpectedness of it all, and the fact that their lives were so _unstable, _and how Lily had had to give up smoking and drinking, and the fact that they really _weren't ready_, and despite all that, it had worked out. Proud of his wife, she was so _beautiful,_ and he was proud everything she did, not matter what it was. Proud of his best mates, who had always stood by his side, no matter what complications were hurled in his direction. Proud of himself the day he had _finally _plucked up the courage to propose to Lily Evans when he had walked into the living room to see her sitting at the piano, tears streaming down her face as her fingers seemingly mindlessly played a haunting melody…

_Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don't know why_

Lily was sprinting up the stairs of the little house that James had hated and she had loved.

_Feet don't fail me now__  
__Take me to the finish line__  
__Oh my heart it breaks every step that I take_

Lily willed herself not to listen to the sounds coming from below as she ran, and thought about the song she had written when she and James had just had Harry and found out about the impending danger pressing upon their new lives after things had finally, _finally,_ started to level out and not be such a bloody _whirlwind._

"_Why are you writing?" James had asked her, for he knew it was lyrics she was scribbling upon the old parchment with a muggle pen in hand. He had seen Lily do this more times than he could count. "It's not like you can perform it with all this going on."  
She had shrugged. "Maybe someday, when this is all over."  
James had smiled, and then picked her up off the couch, swinging her around and grinning roguishly at her as he winked and said, "Let's go upstairs."_

_Keep making me laugh  
__Let's go get high__  
__The road is long, we carry on__  
__So we should have fun in the meantime_

She thought now about the haunting irony on the song she had written; _Born to Die. She was about to die_. The realisation hit her like an oncoming train. But then the terror for her only son filled her. The son that had came to be, against all odds, all complications and bitter trails, and he and James were the light of her life, _her two boys._

The door burst open and Lily heard a cackle of high-pitched laughter as she begged, "Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!"  
"Stand aside you silly girl … stand aside now."  
"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead - "  
"Not Harry! Please … have mercy … have mercy… "

A burst of green light. The shrill laugh continuing to reverberate around the small room.

_Choose your last words  
This is the last time  
Cause you and I  
We were born to die_

_Song: Born To Die, Lana Del Rey  
_

_**A/N, Ive never used this site before so I'm a bit nervy b, but please please review! I will love you forever! Even if you don't really understand what the heck is going on with the fic but that's okizay, I'm posting the first chapter straight after this. Also, this fic is going to be vair AU so be ready for that I guess, even though I've tried really hard to get the dates and background details all that right at least. Thankyou!**  
_


	2. Chapter 1: Don't Cry About Him

Disclaimer: The greatness that is Jily and pretty much everything in this fic belongs to J.K, and the lyrics Lana Del Rey.

_Chapter 1- Don't Cry About Him_

In, out.  
In, out.  
In, out.  
Lily felt the smoke fill her lungs as she breathed in the cigarette, and watched the smoke curl around her and filter out of the window as she blew out.  
Perched on the ledge of the large window of her small flat, she watched in a sort of disconnected interest down at hustle and bustle of Diagon Alley and wondered for the umpteenth why in the name of merlin so many people were up and actually functioning at nine o'clock in the morning. She herself was only up at this time because she hadn't _technically _gone to bed yet; and she certainly wasn't functioning. She had just returned home a matter of hours ago from her shift at the Alderley Inn, the pub in the back streets of Diagon Alley where she sung three nights a week and was paid surprisingly well for.  
She stretched her legs out on the ledge and sighed as she thought about her job, and her overwhelming tiredness, and the fact that yesterday Tom the innkeeper of The Leaky Cauldron had offered her a job she possibly could not take but merlin, had she _wanted _to. But no, it would not do to see everyone she had ever known at work every night, watching her sing, seeing what had become of the head girl who was top of the graduating class of seventy-eight, half drunk and singing depressing songs, needing a cigarette all the while. No, it wouldn't do.  
It had been her dream, really. To sing, to write, to have no one to answer to. Her dream. But she hadn't really thought about the fact that it was near impossible to become a famous singer in the wizarding world, not that she particularly wanted to be famous. All she really wanted was to be able to pay the week's rent, which was a feat within itself, and maybe an extra pack of cigarettes and something nicer to drink than cheap firewhiskey.  
As she butted her finished cigarette out on the ashtray, she berated herself on having yet another pity-party for herself. She hated those. And really, she thought to herself, life wasn't all bad. She had her two best friends from Hogwarts who she went out with almost every night she wasn't working, she had her job doing what she loved, and she had a pretty okay flat for how much she was paying. She figured this was on account of the fact that it was above Gambol and Japes Joke Shop which meant she would hear loud bangs and laughter drifting in through her window with the breeze during the day, but she was usually dead to the world or out so she didn't care.  
She breezed across her little flat to the bathroom to take a shower before going to bed, thinking all the while that she had to work tomorrow night and whether or not she should write something new to sing.  
Eight hours later, Lily tiredly awoke to the waning afternoon light filtering in her window and the sound of frantic knocking on the front door. As she padded across the little flat to reach the front door, she heard the sound of her best friend, Marlene McKinnon, yelling at her through the door.  
"Oy, Lily, you lazy coot! Get up and open this door! We're going out tonight and there's nothing you can bloody do about it!"  
"Yeah!" Came the agreeing voice of her other best friend, Emmeline Vance.  
"Bugger," sighed Lily. She knew there was no way she was getting out of it now that she knew both of them were there. She sighed for a second time. And she had really wanted to write a new song tonight and rest…  
As soon as Lily opened the front door, Emma and Marlene charged in, dumping their bags of stuff on Lily's piano and rushing into the kitchen.  
"Okay! Let's get this party started!" Emma exclaimed. She was a blonde, tall and thin girl with stormy grey eyes and a skip in her step. Emma then smiled as Marlene, a girl with curves to die for and curly brown hair to her shoulders announced,  
"Cocktails!"  
"Great idea, Marley!"  
"Lil, do you have any strawberries?"  
"Its winter, Marley."  
"Fine, any passion fruit juice? Kiwifruit?"  
"No!"  
"Ookay, any firewhiskey at _least_?"  
"That I do have!" Lily exclaimed proudly as she entered her kitchen to the sight of both friends raiding her kitchen cupboards and smoking as Marley held a bottle of firewhiskey aloft with a disgusted look on her face.  
"Blishen's, Lily? _Blishen's?_ What are we, twelve? Merlin, Lily. You need to be buying Odgen's; Blishen's is horrid!"  
"Yeah, and it's also about two galleons cheaper a bottle!" retorted Lily, swiping the bottle out of Marley's hand and pouring some for herself.  
"Oy, no drinking before you've done your makeup! You know the rules!" Emma told Lily, attempting to wrestle the glass out of Lily's hands.  
"If I plan on dealing with you two for the next few hours, I'm going to have to!" cried Lily, gulping down the rest of her glass before Emma could take it from her.  
"Fine, whatever," Emma grumbled as she went back to finding ingredients for cocktails. Lily smiled as she felt the warmth run down her throat and watched the scene before her and was reminded of sixth year, before Lily and her friends had had to worry about school marks, death eaters, or rent; focusing purely on partying and boys. Yes. Those were good times, Lily thought, as she lit a cigarette and thought about the song she had written about it, one of her first ever.

_Remember how we used to party up all night__  
__Sneaking out and looking for a taste of real life__  
__Drinking in the small town firelight_

She had been singing it one night in her seventh year in the shower of the heads bathroom, and she had heard her fellow head boy, James Potter, come in and yell, "Want me to join you, Ginger?"  
She had thrown a wet sponge over the top of the tinted shower wall, and had, surprisingly, hit him square in the chest.  
"Oy! What was that for?" he had whined as Lily laughed at him, thinking that he rightly deserved it, coming on to her all the time when she was _trying _to study or do head duties. James Potter and his friends had been just as bad, if not worse, as Lily and her friends at Hogwarts. They would show the girls which secret passageway to use to get out of the school at night, and which clubs were the best to go to.

_Everybody knew that we had too much fun__  
__We were skippin' school and drinkin' on the job__  
__With the boys__  
__Sweet sixteen and we had arrived__  
__Baby's table dancin' at the local dive__  
__Cheerin' our names in the pink spotlight__  
__Drinkin' cherry schnapps in the velvet night_

Oftentimes, Lily wouldn't hear James return to the heads dormitory to bed until five o'clock in the morning. Although that wasn't much later then when the girls would come in, but Lily noticed his absence more and more as seventh year progressed and she started focusing more on her studies.

"Here, Lil," Emma shoved a glass into Lily's hand, effectively bringing her back to earth.  
"Wha- oh, cheers," She said, looking at the blue drink and wondering where her friends had got the ingredients to make cocktails. She realised then that her life had gone back now to what it had been back in sixth year.  
"Okay, were going out tonight Lil, and we're meeting Craig," Lily groaned and Marley ignored her, continuing on, "_and, _Craig's bringing a friend too; _maybe_ you could talk to him tonight, Lil." Lily groaned again.  
_"Marley,"_ She whined, "I don't need or want a boyfriend."  
"He doesn't _have_ to be your boyfriend if you don't want; maybe something a little more… short-termed?" Marley smiled at Lily suggestively.  
Lily glared and clunked her glass down onto the kitchen bench, "I am _not_ a slapper, Marlene."  
"Sure, sure," Marley waved her hand in a blasé manner, "what about that time with Potter in seventh year, eh?"  
"That was one time, Marley," Lily retaliated, outraged, "and we didn't even _shag,_ it was just some snogging at that club in Hogsmeade!"  
"Although it's not like you didn't _want_ it to go further." Emma jumped into the conversation with a wicked grin on her face.  
"What? That's not- James potter is an incompetent arsehole and if I never see him again, it would be too soon!" Lily cried, throwing her hands in the air dramatically and stomping out of the kitchen and into her bedroom to get changed.  
"Defensive," Marley commented, turning to Emma and grinning. Emma grinned back as the heard Lily yell from the bedroom, "I heard that!"  
"Well hurry up then, Lily! We haven't got all night you know!"

Lily grumbled as she pulled on a flowing black dress with cap sleeves and looked at herself in the mirror. She brushed her red hair, defined her curls with her wand, and putt mascara on her bright green eyes. After deeming herself appropriate, she casually walked back out into the kitchen, thinking that maybe the night would turn out to be fun.  
"So, Lil, we were thinking of going to _Snitch, _we haven't been there in _ages,_" Marley trilled as she leaned up against the kitchen bench with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  
"No way! You know that that's where _everyone _goes, Marley! Especially on a Friday night!" Lily looked from Marley to Emma, horrified. She had no desire to run into any of her former Hogwarts friends and acquaintances, _especially _those who had been infamous for going to _Snitch _for ages now – the Marauders. The Marauders were a four man group from her year in Hogwarts and was consisted of her prattish fellow head, James Potter, his best friend Sirius Black who was just as prattish, if not more so, Remus Lupin, who was surprisingly kind and gentle and a Gryffindor prefect to boot, and lastly Peter Pettigrew who joined in on the mischievousness of the three boys and laughed at their jokes.  
"What about that new bar down behind Gringott's? _Accio,_ I think it was called." Emma put in, taking pity on Lily. Lily flashed her a thankful grin. They both knew that the possibility of a new place would spark Marley's interest and distract her from her resolution to go to _Snitch_, and thankfully, it did.  
"Ooh, a new bar?" She asked interestedly, "yes, then, I suppose we'll have to go there."  
"Great, then," Lily said, and clapped her hands together, "let's get going. Are you girls ready? It's almost ten, you know."  
"Yes, yes. Let's go."  
Lily finished her drink, grabbed her packet of cigarettes, her wand, a few galleons and her favourite lipstick and stuffed them into her little bag at her hip, all the while slipping her feet into her heels and walking out the door, Emma and Marley following closely behind.

The music pulsed in Lily's skull, as she contemplated the fogginess in her brain and the warmth in her chest while sitting at the very end of the bar with her glass of Odgen's firewhiskey that Craig's friend had bought her and a cigarette in her hand. As she blew out the smoke, she watched as, for a few precious seconds, the tendrils of smoke slightly obscured her perfect vision of the club and the dance floor where she could see Marley grinding and occasionally fighting with Craig, and Emma getting snogged by a fit looking bloke on one of the couches on the edge of the dance floor. She finished her glass, and contemplated asking Craig's friend to get her a new one, but decided against it when she remembered how when he had bought the first one, he had tucked one of her red locks behind her ear and whispered,  
"I like your bum."  
She had pulled back from him and given him her trademark glare that was usually reserved only for James Potter and her boss. Not that she had seen Potter since summer; which was the way she liked it, of course.  
"Of course?"  
Lily snapped back into the present, "sorry?" she looked up to see the barman standing in front of her, looking at her confusedly.  
"Oh, sorry – I was just asking if you wanted another," he laughed nervously, "and you said, er, 'of course'"  
Lily blushed and stammered, "Merlin, I'm sorry, I was just talking to myself" she worked to bring her cheeks to a normal colour, but it wasn't working too well with the alcohol already heating her. "Anyway, er, yes please. I'll have another, thanks." She smiled and pulled a few sickles out of her bag and placed them on the bar, right as Emma came over and sat down next to her.  
"Hey, Em. Where's that fit bloke you were snogging before?" Asked Lily as she turned towards her.  
"Oh, he went home. But, anyway, Lil, I was thinking just before, this is a new joint, so they might be looking for entertainers! You should ask about it!" Emma said excitedly. Lily frowned and bit her lip. True, she thought, this was a much nicer place than that pervy old pub that she worked in at the moment, and would probably pay more.  
"That – " she began, but was cut off as the barman handed her her drink and said, "actually, miss, we are looking for entertainers. You sing?"  
"Yes," replied Lily, "I've been working at the Alderley Inn for a while now but I don't really sing, er, _dance_ music per say," she said hesitantly, looking around uncertainly at the club-like atmosphere.  
"That's okay," the barman said, "We need someone for Sunday nights, weeknights and functions. Say, if you're still interested, could you come in this Sunday night to give it a go? See how good you are?"  
"Of course," said Lily, excitement lodging in her stomach. Emma beamed at her excitedly.  
"Excellent!" She exclaimed, "let's go dance!" and with that, Lily was pulled off her bar stool, clutching her drink and grinning excitedly.

Lily let the familiar soothing feeling of the alcohol's warmth overtake her. She was having a nice night, she thought to herself. She had managed to score a new job, and she had managed to gain free drinks from the bloke who was currently behind her, his hands on her hips and dancing like a loon as he grinded against her. Her inebriated brain found this particularly funny, and she laughed, pulling the guy by his hand to the couches by the dance floor, sitting down and asking to borrow a cigarette. As she lit it with her wand, pretending to listen to her company's chatter, she looked over at Marley, who was currently having a fight with Craig _again. _She looked at Emma who was on one of the couches beside her, and locking eyes with her, cast a meaningful look towards Marley who seemed to be in tears and Craig who seemed brutally angry, pushing nearby stragglers out of his way while pointing his finger forcefully at Marley while he yelled at her. Emma mouthed over her dates shoulder at Lily, "What are we supposed to do?"  
Lily shrugged, and looked over at the worsening scene of their best friend, then checked her watch. It was already three o'clock, she realised, shocked. She looked back to Emma and mouthed, pointing to the exit, "Let's get out of here." Emma nodded. Lily butted out her cigarette, apologised to the guy she had been dancing with, and hightailed it over to Emma. As they stood together, watching the scene unfold, they realised that suddenly Marley had pulled herself away from Craig and, with tears streaming down her face, had started over to where Lily and Emma had been conversing. They breathed a sigh of relief, as they had not even begun to think of a way to successfully extract Marley from the situation.  
Outside of the club, Lily fished out a cigarette for Marley, sticking it in her mouth and lighting it for her. When she had gotten one for herself and Emma had done the same, they sat her down on one of the benches outside the club and said, "Spill."  
Marley had started upon her hiccup-filled tale of how Craig had cheated on her and then continuously denied it, and Lily was reminded again of the sense of Déjà Vu of sixth year that her life was bringing her, making her think again of the song she had written…

_There she was my new best friend__  
__High heels in her hands, swayin' in the wind__  
__While she starts to cry, mascara runnin' down her little Bambi eyes:__  
__"Lily, how I hate those guys."_

"Don't worry about it, love," said Emma as she wiped away Marley's tears and fixed her hair, "he's just a gormless berk." She offered her hand to Marley and helped her up as Lily made an agreeing noise,  
"Don't cry about it honey. Now come on, girls, let's go home and get some rest, then tomorrow we can get some ice cream from Florean's and drink all the wine we can!" They giggled as they walked hand in hand up Diagon Alley, smoking and talking about the fit blokes they had seen that night.

_This is what makes us girls__  
__We all stick together cause we put our love first__  
__Don't cry about him, don't cry about him__  
__It's all gonna happen_

_Song: This Is What Makes Us Girls, Lana Del Rey._

**_A/N: So hopefully things are making a little more sense now. I'm planning on making this a longish fic, I have about ten chapters planned out so far, so pleeeasee review. Thanks!_**


	3. Chapter 2: Telling How She's Having Fun

Disclaimer: The greatness that is Jily and pretty much everything in this fic belongs to J.K, and the lyrics Lana Del Rey.

_**A/N: Just putting it out there that the italics are flashbacks in Lily's memories, and warning: drug refererences**  
_

_Chapter 2: Telling How She's Having Fun_

The water was freezing as Lily cowered in the bottom of the shower, too exhausted to bother turning the hot water tap up. The cold water painfully pounded into her body, and she mustered the strength to tentatively reach one of her lifeless arms up and turn the hot water tap a miniscule amount to the right. The water stayed as it was momentarily before suddenly turning blisteringly hot, to Lily's despair and yet not altogether surprise. Lily groaned and sagged back to the bottom of the shower, the water rising slightly around her as her thigh covered the drain. She comforted herself with the thought that the water wasn't cold anymore, at least.

It was five o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, and Lily had to be at work in two hours. She reviewed this fact with another mournful groan and regretted that she and the girls had continued on to grace their presences at two other bars in Diagon Alley last night while on a mission to cheer up their somber friend.

Lily's head throbbed agonizingly in disapproval as she reached up again to turn the shower taps off and lay there in the bottom of the shower, wallowing in self-pity. No matter how many times she managed to get herself smashed, she never really succeeded in getting used to or learning to deal with the feeling of her brain pounding against her skull, the overwhelming wooziness, and the burn in her throat telling of countless cigarettes in a small space of time. She reflected this to herself with mild amusement, realising that she still managed every time to feel desperately sorry for herself, yet know with full understanding that she was just going to do it all over again as soon as possible.

She continued to reflect upon her road to self-destruction with a twinge of regret, but was soon distracted as she realised with a whimper that there were no towels in the bathroom, which meant that she would have to journey across the unforgiving winter air in her flat to the linen cupboard to fetch a towel.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, her mood had turned even sourer as the stood in front of the mirror, putting on her lipstick and wondering why in hell she was even going to work. She had managed to procure a new job, hadn't she? She reflected on this, finding it difficult to decipher the memories in her hazy brain, and then remembered that it was only an audition of sorts. This then brought her back to the fact she definitely had to go to work, as she couldn't throw away her current job when her new job wasn't even a definite. She sulked, staring at her reflection and pinching her slightly gaunt white cheeks, trying to bring back the colour that they had once had, years ago. When she was young, carefree. When she didn't depend on a bottle of alcohol or a joint or a whole box of cigarettes to get her through her day. Back at Hogwarts, she realised. That was when she was last truly happy. She had been studying for the future that she had envisioned for herself. Changing peoples lives; a healer maybe, like Dorcas Meadowes. Or an Auror, like that git James Potter. Or anything. _Anything _but this. But then she had graduated, and had let her newfound freedom get to her head. She didn't want to study anymore; she was lazy, she knew now. She had decided to sing, to write. To change people with her music and her writing.

"Ha!" she laughed bitterly at her reflection in the mirror at the thought, a slight spittle hitting the cool glass and she dropped the lipstick and hung her head in the bowl of the sink as the urge to heave overcame her again. She reached into the cupboard under the sink, grabbing some muggle prescription painkillers and her emergency bottle of firewhiskey and downed two pills with a gulp of the alcohol. She then trekked out into the kitchen, taking the bottle of firewhiskey with her and took a few more gulps of the burning liquid as she slipped her red heels on and grabbed her bag off the piano, checking to make sure that her cigarettes and wand were still in there. She slipped her wand into the small wand pocket in the side of her fitted dress, lit a cigarette and dumped the firewhiskey on the kitchen bench, stomping out of the house and slamming the front door behind her.

The smell of the Alderley Inn enclosed her as she entered the pub via the back door, and Lily wrinkled her nose at the familiar smell of testosterone and smoke. She then walked through to the dressing area, throwing a dirty look at her boss as she passed him and sitting down at her dressing table.

"Hello, Love," greeted Gregor, her boss, and she looked up at him through the reflection in her dressing mirror as he stood behind her with a tawdry grin.  
"Hello, Gregor." She said dully as she dumped her things on the dressing table and lit another cigarette.  
"Cheery as usual I see," he remarked, snickering at her moody behaviour, "You're right on time, too, for once. You go on in five minutes."  
"I know." she said, as she opened one of her drawers and found another emergency bottle of firewhiskey in which she proceeded to open and drink from.  
"Can I play piano this time?" she asked, looking up at Gregor with a hopeful expression, "you see, I wrote this new song the other day and it's really good with piano…"  
Gregor frowned. "Why?" he asked, "you can just charm it like you always do."  
"Yes," she said, the hopeful expression filtering from her face, "but I just like playing, it's nicer."  
"No, you can't, Lily," Gregor answered sternly, "I tell you this every time. You need to be standing; the patrons need to see you."  
"That is _ridiculous,_ Gregor!" Lily cried, scoffing and slamming a hand on the little table, "I'm here to sing, not be drooled on!"  
"Stop back chatting me, it's good for business having you out there looking pretty." he said firmly, continuing with, "and I like your outfit tonight, much better than the other night..._pants…_I ask you…" he scoffed, shaking his head. Lily looked murderous. "Now get out there, you're on."  
Lily scoffed again and sent him her most withering glare, standing up and stalking out of the dressing area onto the stage, taking her cigarette with her and grabbing the microphone.

Lily stood on the stage, inwardly cringing at the crowd of seedy thirty-something year old plus men who lounged about the place, leering and calling out, "Hey, darling…"  
She rolled her eyes and muttered to herself under her breath, "_men," _while she thought to herself amusedly that she should have turned out a lesbian. She put on her much practiced straight face, complete with a flashing grin, hiding the storm that was brewing behind. She calmed herself with thoughts of "this is your last shift… you'll have a new job soon… just smile… calm…" she counted backwards from twenty as she waved her wand at the instruments behind her and another man called out something particularly crude, then she butt out her cigarette with the heel of her pumps and began to sing.

"Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem,  
Lying to herself cause her liquors top shelf,  
It's alarming honestly how charming she can be,  
Fooling everyone, telling how she's having fun,"

Lily had written the song a few months ago, when she had first faced the truth of her decline. And as she looked out over the crowd of drunken men, holding tears in while she thought gloomily about what Gregor had said to her seconds ago, _"It's good for business…" _she smiled her fake smile while her insides clenched as she realised nothing had changed.

_The world was distorted as Lily looked up at the ceiling of her living room, lying on the ground with her limbs thrown in all directions. She laughed; why, she wasn't sure, but she didn't care. Her mouth was dry and her heart beat fast, and she heard Marley's voice from beside her as if through a glass wall.  
"Lily..." she was saying. Lily turned her head and looked at Marley as she held out the little white joint, her eyes wide and bloodshot.  
"I love this stuff…" Emma said dreamily from beside her as Lily brought the joint to her lips.  
"Me too…" Lily sighed and went back into her dreamlike state, thinking about owls and the pretty coloured spell that she had once seen Peter Pettigrew use on Bertram Aubrey when McGonagall wasn't looking.  
"What are we doing here again?" Marley asked as her forehead wrinkled in confusion for a split second.  
"Who cares?" Lily answered, and Marley's face went serene again as she sighed and giggled in agreement._

_Earlier that afternoon Lily had apparated to Marley's front door, knocking furiously and in complete hysterics. Marley had answered the door and Lily had tumbled into her flat, choking out that she needed some firewhiskey and a bloody cigarette, and exclaiming that she was never working in that hellhole again. Marley and Emma, who had been visiting at the time, finally managed to calm Lily down, sitting her on the couch with her desired bottle of Odgen's and a lit cigarette in hand. Lily had then told her story. _

"_Mudblood_ _whore_,"_ he had called her, as he had made a grab for the front of her dress. She had been leaving her day shift at work, and he was waiting for her beside the back door of the building. She had spun away and screamed. He had jeered at her and told her that he had watched her sing, and thought about what it would be like to push her up against the back wall of the building and take her. She had glowered at him, spitting at his feet and hissing a few choice words as she fought to unearth her wand out of her dress pocket. He had pointed his want at her too, beginning to phrase a curse that had sounded a lot like "Imperio," but she had been faster with a non-verbal spell, and managed to escape. She had grinded the bottom of her heel into his face as she stepped over him, starting to feel the oncoming hysterics take over her as she apparated._

"_At least you got away," Marley had said, comforted that the situation hadn't gotten worse.  
"It's not that," Lily had said, the tears messing with her mascara and streaking her cheeks with black. "It's my _job," _she had continued, "that's why this happened, my job."_  
_"Well," Emma had said, pushing a red lock behind Lily's ear, "we can find you a new one, then."  
"I suppose," Lily had said, looking down. The girls had continued to console her and ten minutes later, she had stood up, apologising, and apparated home._

_It was twenty minutes later that Lily had been on the piano, beginning a new song, when Marley and Emma had turned up, and Marley had pulled a joint out of her bag, handing it to Lily and saying, "Let's get high."_

"She says you don't want to be like me,  
Don't wanna see all the things I've seen,  
I'm dying, I'm dying,"

She felt better as she fell further and further into her song, and she closed her eyes and imagined she was anywhere but here; back home in her room next to Petunia's, her mother downstairs cooking and her father in the garden, or at Hogwarts, in her heads bathroom, the only thing she had to worry about being Potter walking in on her, or on a stage with bright lights, people actually cheering for her because of her talent. She smiled her first real smile and she felt alive again, if only for a moment.

"Put your red dress on, put your lipstick on,  
Sing your song, song, now, the camera's on,  
And you're alive again…"

She realised just how much she wanted the new job at _Accio,_ entertaining for people more her age and for functions as she knew that the new job would be much less horrid than her current one. Anything would be more tasteful than this, she thought, cringing, as one man went to reach for her leg and she backed up, sending him a glare before remembering herself and smiling brightly again as she continued to sing.

"She says you don't want to be like me,  
Looking for fun, get me high for free,  
I'm dying, I'm dying,"

The words of the song jolted her back to the events that had happened a few weeks ago, and the small worry that she had forcibly shoved to the depths of her brain where she hoped not to be reminded of again came rushing back to her and she forced herself to keep her voice from wavering as she sung and remembered.

_She was drunk again, and smoking. There were little red lip prints on her wineglass and the filter end of her cigarette, and as she stared at them she wondered again why she had dressed up. It didn't matter, though. She was drunk, and bored, and she had decided to try on the little grey dress that she had bought today that she couldn't afford, and she had put on some lipstick and put her hair in an elaborate plait. She didn't know why she did it, but she knew it felt nice. Dressing up for some other reason than the fact that she had to go to boring and awful old work. It felt nice. Her fingernails were red and she was wearing heels and she looked bloody good. She was an adult now, dammit, she could do what she wanted. She finished the whole bottle of wine in fifteen minutes, then went in search of her emergency stash of firewhiskey._

"Baby's all dressed up, with nowhere to go,  
That's the little story of the girl you know…  
…She says you don't want to get this way,  
It's tiring, tiring"

_The red colour of her nail polish blended in with the blood running down into the sink as Lily's vision blurred over again and she dry heaved, her fringe sticking to her sweating forehead. Her vision came into focus for a split second and she noticed the blood in the sink, mixed in with the longer parts of her hair that had fallen out of her plait and the soggy unfinished cigarette she had dropped. She gasped as the sight met her eyes, then her vision distorted again and she clumsily reached for the tap, turning it on and washing all the evidence down the drain. She had thrown up blood, she knew, yet the implications of this fact had not reached the foggy mess that was her brain. Her knees suddenly gave way and before she knew it she was on the floor, and the last distinguishable thought that had run across her brain before she passed out was that at least she was within arm's reach of her painkillers and emergency firewhiskey bottle…_

"Like lightning, like lightning...  
Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem  
Lying to herself cause her liquors top shelf…"

_Song: Carmen By Lana Del Rey_

_**A/N: Sorry if that was a bit of a boring chappie with Lily pretty much just being depressing but I promise it will get better in chapter three; James will be getting his sexy behind into the story!  
Thankyou to those who reviewed and followed! I love you lawts  
and to wishfulthinking123: thankyou thankyou you are amazing and woot for you being the first to review! and yes I do try to make the lyrics as relevant as possible; I hate it when fics have a random chunk of whole song in the middle of a chapter with no reasoning at all so im trying not to do that :)  
those who are following please review and I will update faster and love you forever!  
thanks xx**_


	4. Chapter 3: Baking Soda and Vinegar

_**Disclaimer: The greatness that is Jily and pretty much everything in this fic belongs to J.K**_

_****Chapter three - Baking Soda and Vinegar  
_

Lily Evans never wrote love songs. It was her golden rule. She wrote songs about her friends, her feelings, her experiences. But never love. Love songs were stupid, anyway, she knew. Cheesy allegories and sappy rhymes, and always having that one paragraph that spoke of hearts in a metaphorical sense. Nonsensical, she knew. Ridiculous. She never had written a love song because she only wrote about what she knew, and Lily knew nothing about love. What _was _love, anyway? Did it even exist? Or was it just something stupid that couples said in order to console each other of their devotion?

Lily didn't believe in love. She was a pessimist. She didn't believe in luck, God, karma, or any of those silly little things that people have in life for the sole reason of comfort; something to fall back on. Lily believed in self-sufficiency, nothing more, nothing less, and she liked to think that she managed life fine that way. But, as it does to most people, this was all going to change.

The day that change began was a chilly Autumn Sunday, and Lily was feeling her usual shitty self, yet hopeful at the same time.

"Whatever you do, don't look slaggish, you need to look mature and professional."  
"No, no! Don't wear red lipstick; it clashes with your hair!"  
"Here, try on these boots."  
"Your nail polish is chipped, here, put on another coat."  
"Oi! No cigarettes until afterwards, you don't want to go smelling like smoke!"  
"Here, let me zip you up."  
"Have you eaten anything today?"  
"Put that bottle of firewhiskey down, Lily Evans! You are not going to your audition drunk!"  
"Why not?"

Indeed, that Sunday was the day of her audition at _Accio,_ the new bar in Diagon Alley, and Lily's stomach was twisting in discomfort at her nervousness and the fact that she had not had a cigarette since her shower which had been over an hour ago.

"Okay, I think you're done."

Marley and Emma stepped back from Lily and proceeded to appraise her, looking her up and down with judging eyes. Lily trembled under their gazes as Emma lifted her finger to her chin and, with a thoughtful expression, ordered, "Turn."

Lily turned. The two girls continued their assessment.

"By George, I think we've done it!" exclaimed Marley, laughter in her voice. Lily took this as her queue to turn back around and face her two best friends. She was wearing a floral button up cotton dress with short sleeves, a belt, and brown boots. Her hair was curling down her back, and she looked much more proper than usual. She was also more sober than usual, she noted, attempting again to sneak the bottle out of Marley's hands to no avail.

Lily then slipped on her shoes, brown this time, with thick high heels, packed her things in her bag and headed out the door, Emma and Marley in tow.

* * *

When Lily had arrived at _Accio _and trekked across to the bar, leaving Marley and Emma to mingle in the growing crowd, she had been ushered by one of the barmaids to the back area. She had looked around; impressed at the general niceness of the area which consisted of a dressing area complete with mirrors, and an open door which she could see led to a stocking area for drinks and spare tables and chairs. It was much different to the cramped muskiness of her previous job, and she loved it. The owner of the bar had then came into the dressing rooms and introduced himself as Nigel, and continued in telling Lily that her audition would consist of a trial as such, in which she would sing a few songs for the night, and if she received all-round positive reviews from the patrons she would be hired. Then she had been ushered onto stage and told to sit at the piano and begin, and she had finally felt her stomach finally settle as she placed her fingers on the keys and began to sing.

Lily was into her third song and her heart was soaring as she realised how much she was enjoying her new job already. She loved that she was able to sit at her piano and play without having to be wearing something tight and red, and that she wasn't listening to the sounds of jeers and cackles, but applause and cheers and the end of her songs. She caught the eye of Marley who was sitting at the bar giving her a thumbs-up, and her smile widened even more as her fingers glided over the keys as if they had a mind of their own, and she sung about summertime and cool breezes and the feeling of soaring.

* * *

Afterwards, Lily found herself waiting in the dressing area for the owner to return, her stomach fluttering nervously. She was worried that she had not done as well as she had hoped to, and she wrung her hands nervously as she imagined Nigel coming up to her and telling her that she had failed. She hated failing. Her anxiety increased as she saw Nigel enter the dressing area, then settled a little once she had noticed his broad grin and twinkling eyes.

"That was wonderful," He said excitedly, "the crowd loved it, good work."

Lily beamed as he shook her hand enthusiastically and explained to her the details of her pay, then proceeded to give her a piece of parchment which included her shift times of the following week and details on how she was to contact him if necessary. She then thanked her new boss profusely, shaking his hand again as her smile split across her face, a smile brighter than anything she had managed in a very long time. After watching him leave, she grabbed her little bag, withdrawing and lighting a cigarette in one smooth motion, and walked out into the public area of the bar. She spotted her two best friends almost instantly, their grins like that of a sparkling _lumos_ spell, as they knew from Lily's expression that she had been hired. She squealed excitedly once she had reached them, gathering them into a hug and the three girls jumped up and down as if they were twelve again. (Life hardly ever dished good things to Lily Evans, the occasion was certainly something to be excited about.) Lily pulled away from her two friends, careful not to burn them with her lit cigarette, and announced loudly, "let's get drunk!"

A hearty round of "hear hear!"s followed from Marley and Emma, and the three girls made their way over to the bar and sat down, ordering their drinks from the bartender.  
As the bartender placed the three girls' drinks in front of them, Lily looked up into his face, and recognized the familiar sweep of blonde hair and glittering blue eyes.

It came to her suddenly and she exclaimed, "You're the bartender from the other night! The one that told me about the job!"

He looked at her, smiling, as he answered, "My name's Ben. I saw you up there singing, you did a really great job. What was your name again?"

"Lily," she said, "Lily Evans. And thank you so much, you don't know how much I needed this job." She smiled at him, and he smiled back.

"It was my pleasure, Lily Evans. And also, you get a discount on drinks since you work here." He winked and handed her the change from the drinks, much more than she had expected, and before she could answer he had swung away to serve others.

"He was _so _fit!" Marley's voice cut in to Lily's thoughts, and she turned to her friends, smiling and taking a sip of her cocktail.

"This is amazing," said Emma, ignoring Marley's previous comment, "I mean, discounts? I think Karma has decided to be nice to you after all, Lily. Who knows, you might fall in love next!" Emma was not only a hopeless romantic, but also an optimist, two things that Lily was, as previously stated, not.

This was why Lily then rolled her eyes towards the ceiling at Emma's antics and replied, "as _if," _as her friends excused themselves to go dance in the packed throngs of the dance floor.

Lily Evans was wrong, of course.

Because just then, Lily jumped slightly out of her seat as a deep voice that she knew only too well stated,

"Little Miss Lily Evans."

She whipped around, her long red hair flying dangerously close to hitting his face, and she stiffened, her eyes narrowing as she looked up at him.

He was smirking in that crooked way that she remembered more than she cared to admit, and his hazel eyes were sparkling with consummate mirth, framed by those geeky rounded glasses that he insisted on wearing, to the confusion of everyone around him. (They clashed entirely with his 'bad-boy-jock' exterior.)

"Potter," Lily whispered, her voice laced with confusion and hostility. Her eyes were wide for a moment as she took in his form and forgot to glare. He was wearing an Appleby Arrows t-shirt and jeans that were torn at the knees, holding a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and his stance was masculine and confident as he leaned against the bar and continued to grin amusedly at her.

Of course it would be James Potter, she thought. As soon as her life had decided to be kind to her, it suddenly had turned around and flung the ever maddening James Potter at her, and probably hadn't the respect to be apologetic.

Lily Evans was kind. She was calm. She was modest, and she was composed. Back at Hogwarts, she would go to class and take notes. She would study, and she would sit at the great hall, quietly conversing with her friends. She would smile kindly at everyone and she would help the first years when they dropped their books in the corridors. She was sweet and loving towards anyone, no matter what.

Everyone, except for James Potter. For if Lily Evans was a hard stone, James Potter was the flint. If she was the baking-soda, he was the vinegar. When James Potter and Lily Evans were put together the result was impossible to control, instant, loud, and messy. It was an explosion that no one wanted to be there to experience.

Because when James Potter was around, Lily's ever constant composure and self-control broke down after a few choice _James Potter_ words, and she would crack. She would yell, and scream, her finger pointing at him as she told him off while he smirked until she could take no more so she would fling her arms in the air dramatically, saying something like, _I can't believe you, _or, _you're such an arrogant toerag,_ and she would stomp away, leaving a still-smirking James in her wake.

Maybe it was because James Potter was on a completely different level to Lily; where she deliberated, James never considered before he acted. He would fling himself wholeheartedly into something he loved, not caring about the consequences. For he was a firm believer in life, those perfect moments where he felt alive because he was chasing life and winning, showing the world that he was _James Potter,_ and he did whatever he wanted.

Lily stepped through life carefully, as if she were on an ice-lake in the end of February. She checked and cross checked, and then she checked again. Because Lily feared mistakes, even though she knew that she had made many of them.

Maybe it was just because James Potter loved to antagonize her, and watch as her creamy cheeks reddened with anger, and her red curls seemed to crackle with electricity while her soft pink lips formed abusive words that never made the journey from his ears to his brain.

Maybe it was another reason. Maybe it was all the reasons put together, resulting in the uncontrolled explosion that _was_ Lily Evans and James Potter.

"I saw you singing up there," he said, his tone of voice and words an offer of truce, "You're very good. I didn't know you worked here."

"Thank-you." She said, hesitant, "and yes, I just got the job tonight."

"So that's why you and your friends were jumping about like little girls," his eyes returned to their former amused twinkle as he smirked again.

Lily narrowed her eyes, "have you been _spying _on me?"

"Yes." Blatantly. His was grin fully-blown, now.

Lily wondered why he would admit it, and then she remembered. James Potter never lied, nor was he ever embarrassed.

She had nothing to say to his previous declaration, so she took a drag of her cigarette instead.

James piped up again. "You're looking lovely tonight, as usual. How have you been?"

"Oh, you know. Shitty. You?"

"Quite dandy, actually," he answered, and she rolled her eyes towards the ceiling grimly to convey her obvious displeasure at his contentedness.

He continued, ignoring her. "So why aren't you working as a healer like you planned?"

She wondered how he knew her previous life plans, and then remembered that they had, after all, been head boy and girl together.

She blew a stream of smoke out of the corner of her mouth and pointed to herself, answering, "Muggleborn."

The single word explained a lot, and James downplayed his broad grin and answered, "Ah. Right."

He then opted for a change of subject, as James was a firm believer in not talking about depressing things, especially with the girl that he hadn't seen in a long time, and, though he would never admit it to himself, had missed sorely.

Lily beat him to it. "Got a girlfriend yet?"

"Afraid not," James' lopsided grin was back glittering in full force again as he continued, "Unfortunately, Cupcake, my one true love remains myself."

Lily grimaced slightly at the old name he had called her since fourth year when he had been thinking up annoying nicknames to get on her nerves. Unfortunately, 'Cupcake' had stuck, and he had begun over the years to use it as a term of endearment.

"At least you don't have to worry about rejection," she laughed.

"Not necessarily," his eyebrows were raised and his grin was silly, "I turn myself down occasionally, just to keep it interesting."

Lily laughed again and shook her head at him. She had forgotten how much of an idiot he was.

James was laughing too and the sound was deep, touching her to her core, and she shivered.

"What about you, eh, Cupcake?" he went on, the after effects of laughter still touching his voice, "shagging any fit blokes?"

Lily glared, sighing inwardly. She and James getting along only lasted so long after all.

"You are disgusting, James Potter."

He grinned and snickered again, the kind of grin that she had seen and been infuriated by oh so many times over her years of knowing him.

"As fun-loving as I remember then, eh?" His sarcastic grin was even more annoying. "Anyway, I best be off before you tear me apart. Though I always do love seeing your pretty face." His finger reached up and tapped her on the cheek mockingly, and he withdrew it before she could slap it away.

He then pulled a slightly thoughtful face as he continued, "Owl me, we should have lunch sometime." He then pulled a fresh cigarette from the pack in his pocket and wrote on it, giving it to Lily.

She looked at it, noting that it had his house number and street name scrawled along lengthwise in his messy writing, and she said derisively, "And _why_ do you think I would do that?"

He grinned again and winked, "Because I'm charming and handsome of course, and _you_ can't wait to see me again."

Her grin was acidly sweet as she lit the written-on cigarette he had given her and took a drag, and her voice was silky as she answered, "Well, you're going to have to suck it up, big boy. Because I don't like you."

James' smile was bigger than it had been all night, and he laughed gaily as he left her, weaving through the throngs of people and realising just how much he had missed Lily Evans and the vibrant flashes that had once filled his days when he was head boy.

Once she knew that James couldn't see, Lily butted out the cigarette and looked at it, feeling a faint sense of relief when she saw that the address was not burnt away.

She knew she would never, in a million years, owl him, but still she carefully slipped the address-clad cigarette into her pocket, making sure it was safe before she got up off her stool and went to look for Emma and Marley.

**_A/N Thankyou to those who follow and read! please revieww!_**


	5. Chapter 4: A Foghorn On A Monday Morning

___**Disclaimer: The greatness that is Jily and pretty much everything in this fic belongs to J.K**_

_Chapter Four - A Foghorn On A Monday Morning_

It was a fateful October's day and the leaves on the tree outside her flat were the colour of her phoenix feather quill and the cold was seeping into her bones in that familiar way it did when it was autumn.

Lily liked autumn best because it was the kind of weather where she didn't have to bundle up against the cold, yet neither did she have to wear skimpy clothes and be sweating all over the place. Yet that was the season that year when it began, the event that would start the cyclone that she also liked to sometimes refer to as her life.

_It_ was currently situated in the draw in her bedside table, snug between her copy of _The Catcher in the Rye _and her box of cigarettes that were strictly for emergencies only. She had moved it a few times, since she had received it. In the past week and a half, Lily had snuck a peek at it a total of thirty-seven times, and that was only counting the times that she was sober enough to remember or could actually be bothered counting that particular time. She had stopped counting a few days ago, but had started up again because she had decided that she was going mad.

That afternoon, she had promised herself that she was just going to go ahead and throw it away, and as she stood above the little circular garbage bin in her kitchen, looking at it just _one_ last time, she had suddenly decided that she would smoke it instead. It would be symbolic, she decided, looking at the familiar messy handwriting on the side as she brought her flaming wand-tip to the end and inhaled. She wasn't just throwing it away, she was _destroying_ it. It meant something meaningful, she decided, and also, she didn't completely trust herself to not fish it out of the bin later when she was drunk or high.

* * *

It's funny how someone can look back on something a day or so afterwards and be horrified, yet when they look back on the exact same moment in a few months' time, it can be with reverence. A certain mistake can change the path of time, and even if it is something to regret a day or so later, it can be the turning point in life that begins something great. Life's funny that way.

Maybe if Lily had bought groceries that week like she was supposed to, she may not have needed to go out to get dinner that night. And maybe if she had been rostered on for work, she wouldn't have found herself at the Leaky Cauldron at seven pm, hiding in one of the back tables and picking at a bowl of hot chips and sipping butterbeer. But she hadn't bought the groceries. And she wasn't rostered on for work. Life's funny that way.

And she had no hope of James Potter, who had never been able to beat his Lily-radar out of himself no matter how hard he tried, _not_ noticing her out of the corner of his eye that night, hidden corner or not. Life's funny that way.

This would be the moment she would look back on in a day or so with intense regret, complete with forehead-slapping and _why-oh-why _shouts to the heavensand multiple cigarettes and head-banging-against-the-wall type activities.

Yet it would be different in a few months' time.

Life's funny that way.

And so, there he was, leaning against her table and looking down at her in her little seat, with that trademark _Potter_ grin that made her want to strangle something sweet and innocent.

She was stunned.

He was intrigued.

He had then sat down, uninvited. It was a very _Potter _thing to have done.

"Alright, there, Evans?" He had said.

She wasn't surprised at his opening line, for she had heard it at least a million times before.

"Hello, Potter,"

He wasn't surprised at her answer, either.

He made himself comfortable, bumming a chip and saying, "So what's a bird like you doing here on your lonesome eating chips on a Saturday night?"

"I'm not alone; you're here." She danced around the subject.

He just raised his eyebrow.

She tried again, "I didn't buy groceries this week like I was supposed to." She resented the way her mouth divulged her secrets without her brain's permission, yet it happened more often than not when James Potter was around and she had become used to it.

He smiled his crooked smile, as always. She supposed she had missed it.

"So you didn't owl me."

She looked at him shrewdly. "And you're surprised?"

"Never said I was."

She nodded tiredly at his remark in a _fair enough _sort of way. "I'm sorry, Potter, but I really don't want to deal with this right now, I just want to finish my chips in peace and go home."

"Oh, come off it, Evans," he said, patronising, "don't be a stick in the mud. Have a drink with me."

By the time she had opened her mouth to answer, he had already heaved himself out of his chair and was halfway to the bar.

He came back with two firewhiskeys, and so she took a sip, thinking that one drink wouldn't be so bad, as it wasn't like she had anything else to do that night.

"Good girl." He had said, finishing his drink in one go and waving the waitress over to order another round.

"So, what have you been up to lately," she tried for casual conversation as she lit a cigarette, offering him one which he accepted.

"Nothing much, I suppose. Auror training. Drinking. Hanging with the guys."

"Ah, the _guys._ And why aren't they here tonight? You four are usually joined at the hip; especially you and Black."

"They're busy tonight, I s'pose." He was acting awfully vague about it, she thought. So of course she picked at it.

"Don't you live with Black now? How could you not know where he is?"

"It's not like he leaves me cute little messages on the kitchen bench of his life plans, Evans."

She narrowed her eyes. "Fine. How's auror training?"

"Oh, it's shite. They're just teaching me spells that I already know and not letting me participate in missions or anything at all."

She snorted. "Typical James Potter. Wanting in on the action and crying to mummy when he isn't allowed."

His grin was broader than ever. "Now you're just being derisive. And for your information, I haven't said anything about it to my mother once." He acted as if that was some sort of great achievement, which amused her even more. She laughed, and he narrowed his eyes playfully at her.

She could feel her third glass of firewhiskey filtering through her bloodstream, warming and calming her. It was a feeling that she was used to, and she liked it. Her brain was a little fuzzy and it made it easier for her to prevent herself from being annoyed by Potter. Or confused. She had been confused by him ever since she had seen him at _Accio,_ as she wasn't used to him being so nice all the time. He was also acting a lot less insolent as she remembered him in school. It was puzzling her, so, as one does when drunk, her mouth seemed to speak again without her express condition, voicing her confusion.

"Why are you being so nice?" Her eyes were narrowed shrewdly as she said it, her hazy brain forgetting that it was probably something her sober self would never say.

He seemed amused by the question. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, Cupcake."

"You." Her hand was slightly unsteady as she pointed at his chest, "You are being a lot nicer than I remember you. Why haven't you asked me for a shag yet, eh? Why haven't you told me to dye my hair already because it burns your eyes?"

He pretended to think about this for a moment and she could tell he was trying hard not to laugh. Then he pulled a feigned hopeful grin, saying, "Can I have a shag?"

She glared daggers. "You had better be joking."

"Oh calm down, you know I was kidding." He waved his hand in a soothing gesture, but his smile had grown even wider. He loved when she was angry.

"I s'pose I've changed since school; is that so hard to believe?"

"Yes."

He pulled a sarcastic expression. "Whatever. You're being a killjoy, Cupcake, and it's my night off. Come on, let's go out."

She stared at him in horror. "No way. Have you _seen _what I'm wearing? And also, why in _Merlin's _name would I go out drinking with _you_? Are you mad?"

"Nope, not mad." And with that, he grabbed her arm, dropping some coins on the table, and carted her out the back of the Leaky Cauldron to the entranceway of Diagon Alley.

"You seriously think I'm going to let you force me to come with you."

"Yep." He wasn't taking much notice of her annoyance, tapping his wand onto the bricks of the alleyway.

"Well, you're wrong."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Bloody fuck, woman! I forgot how _bleeding _stubborn you are. Just come out with me and we'll have fun. I promise." He was glaring at her now.

"No." She was glaring back, throwing knives straight to his eyes.

"Yes." He wasn't bothered by the intensity of her gaze.

"Where do you think you're even going?"

"_Snitch_."

"Not in a million years. I hate _Snitch_."

"Is there anything you _don't _hate?"

"Cigarettes. Cake, maybe."

"Fair enough." He was smiling again.

"Okay, fine. We'll go to_ Snitch_. For two hours at the most! Then I'm going home." She figured if they went to _Snitch_ then James would come across his posse and she could go home much earlier than planned. She smiled at the brilliance of her plan.

He clapped his hands and whooped like a ten year old. She rolled her eyes. Then he grabbed her arm, and suddenly, they were outside the club.

"Really, Potter? You couldn't walk one hundred metres?"

"Nope."

"It's a wonder you're not as fat as a Hippogriff."

"Hippogriffs aren't fat. They're _majestic."_

"Majestic? I wasn't aware of your weird Hippogriff fetish, Potter."

* * *

"Okay, okay. That girl. Hot or not?" James and Lily were sitting at the bar, having passed countless firewhiskeys in the past two hours. Lily was pointing to a curvy blonde girl who was sitting at one of the couches on the edge of the room.

James looked at the girl shrewdly. "Not."

"Ridiculous. She's gorgeous, you idiot."

"Eh." James shrugged, scanning the room with his eyes, and then pointed at the bartender. "Hot or not?"

"I'm going to ignore the fact that you asked it about him half an hour ago and repeat exactly what I said then. Not."

"What, why? He's fit. Look at his luscious brown locks."

Lily started laughing. "Luscious? You are _such_ a bender!"

"What?!" James looked horrified. "I am _not _a bender!"

She just laughed harder. "Are too!"

"Am not." James glared at her, then slumped in his seat, sulking.

Lily lit another cigarette, still giggling, and blew smoke out onto his face with the sole purpose of annoying him.

"Give me one of those." He nodded sullenly to her packet.

"No way; you have your own. Also, I'm poor."

"I don't have my own." Was all he said, before he suddenly lunged for her packet and successfully manage to wrangle a cigarette out of it.

"Hey!"

James ignored her and his mood elevated to its previous spirited state as he took a drag of his stolen cigarette.

Lily turned away from him, her hazy brain having all but forgotten James' misdemeanour, and watched the packed dance floor. She thought about how she especially liked how the wizarding world listened to a lot of muggle music, and how it was common for muggle bands to become quite popular in the wizarding world.  
Suddenly, the music changed and _The Clash _started playing, one of her favourite bands. She grabbed the unsuspecting James' arm, and he looked at her, startled, as she said, "Come on, let's dance!"

"No. No, no, no and did I mention no?" James was shaking his head frantically.

"Oh, don't you think about refusing _me_, Potter. Who was the one dragged here against her will?" her eyes were reduced almost to slits with the evil look that she was giving him.

James usually wasn't intimidated by Lily's glares, but he knew that she did have a point, so he let her drag him to the floor.

Lily was a great dancer, James realised. He wasn't surprised, really. She was a singer, after all. But as he watched her as she grabbed his hands and started twisting her body, letting go of him and spinning, her arms in the air, then grabbing one of his hands again and spinning back into him, he noticed how beautiful she looked. He hadn't seen her so carefree yet, since he had run into her at_ Accio, _she had been tense, hesitant. Not the Lily that he remembered from school who smiled all the time and laughed. She had looked positively beaten down when he had run into her at the Leaky Cauldron that afternoon, as if she had picked a fight with life and lost. He wondered what had happened to her since school had finished for her to become like this.

At the moment though, she was smiling, radiant. And that was enough of an incentive for James to throw caution to the wind, an activity that he was very experienced at; possibly he hadn't even had a hold of caution in the first place – he was James Potter, after all. So when she spun back into him again, he didn't think twice as he gently gripped her hip with one hand and wrapped the other arm around her waist and kissed her.

Lily didn't see fireworks, of course, like she had imagined when she was young and had thought that when she finally kissed someone perfect it would happen that way. Maybe it was because James wasn't perfect; he was far from it, in fact. He was wrong in every way but maybe, she thought, that was what made it so amazing. Because, no, she didn't see fireworks, but that didn't mean that the kiss didn't make her heart pulse in her throat and her surroundings turn to an unimportant blur and her hands grip his shoulders so tight it was like she was in danger of falling off of the earth and James was the only thing there for her to hold on to. His kiss was hot and wet and heart-pounding, and he bit her bottom lip and he kissed her and kissed her and grabbed her even tighter, if that was even possible. It wasn't a sweet summer's morning, it was a foghorn on a Monday. Not a soft current but a tidal wave, and this was what made them _James and Lily_.

They pulled apart and looked at each other, silent, exchanging breaths like it was the currency of lust.

* * *

Then James was kicking Lily's apartment door closed, and if she was ever asked how they had gotten there, she would never be able to answer. She would say something along the lines of an explanation of James' inexplicable ability to addle her brains as if he were a living, breathing confundus charm.

She dropped her bag on the floor with little to no care, and, still kissing him, pulled James by the collar of his shirt into her bedroom, where they fell onto her bed. James undid the buttons to her shirt and kissed down her collarbone, his hands relocating to her thighs where he slowly pushed up her skirt.

His glasses were askew and her hands were fisted in his messy hair and she moaned, "_James_."

Because it was wrong wrong wrong and he was so wrong for her, but that was what made her whole body tingle with fire because she _shouldn't be doing this, _but she _was,_ and there was no way in _hell_ that she was going to stop, and she couldn't bring herself to care. It was hot and wet and fast and he gripped her tightly, not worried in the slightest if he was going to break her, and what he was doing to her made her feel so much better than anything else that she had ever even begun to imagine, and for that moment, she was content to be in his heated embrace.

His heart pulsed, a throbbing dagger in his throat, as he hoisted her right leg up further, rocking his hips, and he looked down at her, her everglade-green eyes and her wild red hair, tangled around her face as she looked up at him with her soft pink lips open in an 'o' shape, breathing heavily. She was a pearl in the wild, and he hadn't yet begun to believe he was here with her, doing _this, _so he resolved not to think and instead bent his head down and pressed a kiss against one of her soft nipples, and she moaned even louder than before. His hand that was holding him up above her gripped the bed sheets, and he felt her nails dig into his shoulders as she gripped him tightly and arched her back in pleasure.

His hand ran slowly down her leg and he rested his thumb and pushed gently right _there, _and she screamed her loudest scream of the night so far.

"_James!"_

"Lily."

He kissed her on the lips one last time as they fell, and she felt as if the world had upended and re-righted itself there, right in front of her very eyes, and they sunk into the pillows, and she hated him for being able to make her feel like this. She knew it was wrong, yet she was beyond it.

She fell asleep then, nestled into his shoulder, his arm around her.

**_A/N Thankyou thankyou so much to everyone who reviewed and favourited and followed, sorry it took pretty long but I hope this chapter was all you were expecting it to be._**

**_Thankyou so so much for reviewing to wishfulthinking123, Fyrebolt, PrincessDripDrop, and Luckydoggy, it was much appreciated, it helps me so much to update faster when i get reviews :)_**


	6. Chapter 5: Too Much Of A Wrong Thing

___**Disclaimer: The greatness that is Jily and pretty much everything in this fic belongs to J.K**_

_Chapter 5 - Too Much Of A Wrong Thing_

Things never really did come easy for Lily Evans. She worked hard for everything she received, and everything that she received, she deserved. It was a nice feeling, she supposed; the feeling of getting great results on an essay that she had spent hours checking and re-writing. She liked to placate herself with these thoughts, especially when she saw someone like Sirius Black receiving the exact same marks as her even though minutes before it was due she had seen him hastily scribbling the essay on a crinkled piece of parchment. She liked to think that she achieved a greater sense of gratification from positive results in her life when she had worked hard for them.

No, nothing came easy for Lily Evans, but she didn't mind because she worked hard to achieve what she had and would always receive exactly what she deserved from life.

This never applied to her when it came to James Potter.

Never, not for a second in her life, had she attempted or endeavoured to receive the attention of James Potter; it had just happened anyway. The one thing that she had never wanted had been the one thing that had plagued her ever since fourth year when James Potter had noticed the tempestuousness of her red hair, and the way that she was the only person in his life who had stood up to him. He had hounded her ever since.

"Hey, Evans, your hair looks like a phoenix shat in it."

"Hey, Evans, you swotty anorak, you."

"Hey, Evans, show me your tits."

"Hey, Evans, Hagrid's not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean."

"Hey, Evans, go out with me and I'll never lay a hand on old Snivelly again."

Yes; James Potter's attention was always something that she had no problem gaining. Ridding herself of it, however, was most certainly a separate matter. 'Easy come, easy go' was definitely not a concept in which Lily was able to associate herself and her James Potter situation with. This situation was more of a concept of 'easy come, incredibly difficult and probably not-going-to-happen go'. A lot of people may not have minded having James Potter and his weird and (to Lily) completely incomprehensible interest in her, yet Lily had minded it very much.

What had happened _that _night had not helped lily at all in the matter.

* * *

Nausea burned ulcers in her stomach as she lay naked in her bed, crying with careless abandon. Maybe it was a bit too dramatic for the situation she was going through; though Lily did not think so. He had left before she had woken up, thank _god,_ yet she was actually surprised that James would do something like that. She had wondered about this when she had woken up and noticed his absence, but then she had seen the note.

Yes; he had left a _note. 'Morning Cupcake, looking ravishing as usual. Had to go to work, I'll owl you. Hope your day is a riot.' _He hadn't even signed it, the cheeky bastard. At that moment in time it was crumpled in her hand while she laid there, thinking and crying and wondering what in the name of Merlin she had done to herself.

She buried her face in her pillow and screamed – she screamed and screamed and screamed because life could be so unfair sometimes.

Yet she knew it was nothing if not her fault.

* * *

"So, tell us, what's wrong?" Emma had begun, as they sat on the balcony outside Lily's flat drinking and smoking and watching as night began to fall. It was the following Friday evening, and Lily didn't have to work as per her new job's shift days, and she had been reflecting on her success at hiding what she had done both to herself and her two best friends for the past week. Or so she had thought.

"What do you mean?" Lily's bemused look was convincing, yet Emma and Marley were not her best friends for nothing. "I'm fine." Her _fine _was slightly slurred, though her two friends were used to seeing her drunk more often than not.

"You're not fine, Lily Evans, you've been going mad all week. So just hurry up and spill because you know we'll get it out of you eventually." Marley wasn't the sort of girl to beat around the bush.

Though_ Lily_ was the sort of girl who was stubborn, which was why she answered with a noncommittal, "I'm fine, seriously. Just tired."

"You're always tired."

Lily couldn't deny that Emma was right in that aspect, so she didn't answer, and instead opted for ignoring her and looking out at the darkening sky. She was getting dangerously close to the possibility of unlocking the safe that she had forcefully nailed the last Friday's events into, and already she could feel it slowly leaking out… _rough hands skimming over her body… jagged cheekbones and chaotic hair… his lips on hers, her lips on his…_

Lily was visibly shaking. Marley and Emma noticed at once.

"Okay, woman, this isn't cute anymore. What is it?" Marley was looking at Lily's shivering form with a stern look in her eye.

Lily opened her mouth to reply, though she couldn't seem to get anything out. It seemed that her voice box had gone on holiday, and Lily let out a small croak as she worried to herself. What was she going to say? Would they be disappointed in her? Disgusted? How would she even say it? And, for the love of Merlin, why had she done it in the first place?

She cringed, and managed to choke out, "I slept with James Potter."

She looked hesitantly at her friends, who sat there for a few beats, their mouths open.

"Okay, okay." Emma had her hands out in an 'everyone calm down' sort of motion. "You're kidding. Stop trying to avoid the subject, Lily."

Lily just looked at her friend, distraught. "I wish I was. Merlin, I wish I was."

And then she was crying, messily – all on the floor; The type of tears that only came from the collapse of one's sanity.

Emma and Marley looked at each other, bemused.

Marley was the one to slide herself off of the deckchair she had been sitting on and settle next to Lily's sobbing form, patting her on the back and murmuring, "There, there…"

Emma only continued to look at Lily in shock, finally managing to choke out, "James _Potter?"_

Lily looked up at Emma, calming down a little. "Yes,"

"As in… Hogwarts James Potter?"

"There is only one James Potter in Wizarding Britain, Emma." Lily sighed.

_James Potter…_ _Chaser James potter…Auror James Potter… spontaneous James Potter… the James Potter whose lips tasted of liquor, whose hands gripped her vehemently, whose eyes smouldered like fire… _the safe had managed to open itself up fully inside her head, and she gave into it. She heaved herself off of her spot on the floor where she had dramatically fallen during her momentary emotional breakdown, and she sat back into her deckchair and lit up a much-needed cigarette.

Relieved that Lily had managed to calm down a little, Marley sat back into her seat and asked tentatively, "So, how did this even happen?"

"I have no idea," Lily began, "one minute we were just being friends like we were at Hogwarts when we weren't fighting, and the next minute he was kissing me and we were… yeah…" She lamely finished.

Emma arched her eyebrow.

Marley cleared her throat then, awkwardly. Lily knew what she about to ask; she _was _Marlene McKinnon, after all. "So… how was it?"

Lily rolled her eyes, but then let out a sad sort of sigh. "It was amazing."

"That depressing sigh was completely contradictory to what you just said."

"It was _not. _Or have you forgotten that this is _James Potter _we were talking about here?" Lily glared at Marley.

"No, I haven't. You and James have had unresolved sexual tension for _years, _it was about time you two shagged."

"Mar_lene, _I am having a crisis here, and you're doing _nothing _to help."

"Oh, come on, Lily," Emma chose this time to interject into the possibly brewing argument between the two girls. "I don't see what is so bad about the situation. So you slept with James, so what? It's not like you have to marry him now or anything."

"It's just the moralities of the problem, Emma," Lily explained, "This is _James Potter. _He is the biggest drugged up, drunken, arrogant, impertinent man-whore in the universe except maybe Black and there I was, _sleeping _with him! I am _officially_ a slag."

"Merlin, Lily, don't be so dramatic." Marley said, "James isn't all that bad. Yeah, maybe he does drugs and drinks and smokes but newsflash! So do we! And he _cares _about you, Lily, you should at least know that much from seventh year; more than any random girl that he shags."

"As _if _he cares." Lily said sullenly.

"Of _course _he cares, you idiot," Marley was sounding annoyed now, "he wouldn't have sent you those letters, otherwise."

"He was just being polite," Lily argued.

"Since when was James polite?"

Marley had a point there, Lily thought. He _had _sent her those letters, none of which she had answered.

_'I'm sorry if you thought I took advantage of you, Lily… I'd like to see you again… Please just answer… don't make me ambush you at work, Cupcake…'_

Lily realised something then, and she turned to Marley accusingly. "How did you know about those letters?"

"Oh, he wrote me." Marley was looking awfully pleased with herself. "Told me you wouldn't answer his letters."

"So you _knew _what happened?" cried Lily, scandalised. Both Lily and Emma stared at Marley in shock.

"Yeah, sorry I didn't say anything earlier; I wanted to hear it from you. But, anyway – "

Suddenly, Marley was interrupted by a knock at the front door. Lily and Emma whirled around towards the direction of the offending sound, surprised.

But Marley's smile just turned even more smug as she looked at Lily and said, "Go on, answer it."

Lily narrowed her eyes as she came to a realisation. "You did _not."_

"Oh yes I did."

Lily's eyes turned to slits as she glared at her (former, she decided) best friend for all she was worth. She _knew _who was at that door, and it was all Marley's fault. She then got up from her chair and morosely made her way to her front door.

As she swung the door open, the first thing she saw was the wide shoulders that she was eye-level with, and then she looked up, and his brooding eyes caught hers with a gravitational pull strong enough to rip her into his orbit.

"Lily."

"James."

"Well, Emma and I will just be going now," Marley was saying, pulling Emma in the direction of the front door. Lily had momentarily forgotten the fact that her two best friends were still in her flat, and as Marley squeezed past her and James and out the door, pulling Emma behind her, Lily yelled, "This is not over, Marlene McKinnon!" And sent her a glare.

Marley ignored her statement and instead responded with, "Have a lovely night, chaps! And use protection!"

Lily was then left glaring at the spot where her friends had disapparated, murmuring, "She is _so _dead to me."

James gave a short laugh at this comment, and Lily's glaring wrath then turned towards him. "And what do you think you're doing here?"

"Marlene invited me."

This statement only served to make Lily even angrier.

"Oh, come on, Cupcake, aren't you even going to invite me in?"

"No."

"Seriously, though, Lily, don't be mad at me. I'm sorry if you thought it went too far but it isn't exactly all my fault, you know. And I don't regret it." He was looking at her pleadingly, a first for him.

Her glare lessened at the rare apology. "I know it's not your fault, and I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself. It shouldn't have happened."

James had let himself in while Lily was distracted and now they were standing in the entryway. Lily then grabbed his arm, steering him into the kitchen where he plopped himself into one of the stools and she stood on the other side of the kitchen bench, picking up her previously abandoned firewhiskey and taking a measured gulp.

James seemed to think about Lily's words while he fished in his pocket for a cigarette, lighting it and taking a drag.

Then he said, "What the hell does that mean – 'it shouldn't have happened'"

She frowned at him confusedly. "Well, it was a mistake, obviously. I shouldn't have let it happen."

"Why the hell not?" James voice had grown slightly louder this time.

"Because I don't usually just go ahead and randomly sleep with people, that's why!"

"I'm not _people_, Lily! You've known me forever! We snogged in sixth year! We've been friends for _ages_!" he slammed his fist into the kitchen bench with his last word, and he was glaring at her.

She glared straight back at him. "Oh, yes! _Friends! _When we're not _tearing into each other, _that is! And so what if we snogged in sixth year! We hadn't even seen each other properly since school ended!"

"Six months, big deal." Said James, rolling his eyes. "Face it; if this was such a bad thing, you wouldn't have let me kiss you in the first place."

"I was drunk!"

"That isn't an excuse and you know it!" James was up from his seat now, storming around the kitchen bench all the better to yell at her, stopping right in front of her with clenched his fists while he stared down at her.

"Get over it, Potter," she had returned to surnames now, and their fight seemed to have heightened to a new degree as she glared up at him, her hair frizzed out and flaming around her face. "_You_ just can't believe that I'm not head over heels in love with you after a night, you arrogant bastard! What are you even doing here, anyway?"

"I suppose I just wanted to _see _you, make sure you were _alright _and all that, seems how you weren't answering my letters. Maybe I even _missed _you or something, though I must have been _mad, _thinking that visiting _you _would be in any way enjoyable!"

He was standing so close to her by now that her nose was practically touching his chest, thanks to his over-six-foot height and the fact that she was tiny compared to him. She glowered into his shirt.

"If seeing me is so fucking _horrible, _then GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" she yelled at him, pointing in the general direction of the front door, looking up and glaring daggers into his eyes.

He was glaring back, as ever, ignoring her pointed arm and pushing her against the bench, gripping it with each hand on either side of her.

_"No." _His voice deep and husky, still holding her.

She stared up at him with hateful eyes. "Let me go."

_"No."_

"Leave, James."

_"No."_

"I don't want you here."

"Good. I'll stay then." He grinned at her, finding amusement in the situation and his favourite activity; annoying her.

"You're _so _blooding annoying!"

"You love it."

She was glaring again. "_No, _I do not, _Potter."_

Then he removed a hand from the bench where he had trapped her and grabbed one of her hips, using his body to push her against the bench again, and whispered, "Don't call me _'Potter' _ever again."

She could feel her back pressing into the bench and smell the familiar smell of liquor on his lips, except that time she was enjoying the feel of his hands around her waist and the closeness of him.

She pretended that she was still furious with him but _oh no, _he could read her eyes.

He looked into her blazing eyes, grinning, daring her.

So she did what she had promised herself she would never do again - slowly lifted her arms, wrapping them around his shoulders like a scarf, and raked her fingernails through his hair.

His eyes were blazing, now, too, more than the usual fire that lighted them. And so she kissed him, soft at first, but then he moved his hand to her face and deepened the kiss, moaning.

he kissed her roughly, and she tasted what she had smelt on his breath; smoke and firewhiskey, and she bit his lip roughly with desire as he gripped her tighter.

Suddenly, he had gripped underneath her thighs and hoisted her up onto the bench, and was kissing down her neck, his hands on her thighs, pushing up the hem of her dress.

"James,"

"Hmm?"

"I'm still mad at you."

"That's nice."

"You're an idiot."

"That's nice."

"James, I think you're – _oh!"_

His head was between her legs now, and his mouth was – _there, _his hands gently pushing her thighs apart and any previous thought she may have had flew out of her brain as she leaned her head back and looked towards the ceiling and screamed.

* * *

Lily was lying on the kitchen bench, James' head resting on her stomach when she sighed.

"What?"

"I cannot believe we did it on the kitchen bench," she said, pulling a disgusted face. "I mean, I _cook _here."

"I wasn't aware that you were capable of cooking."

"I'm not, but that's not the point."

He laughed. She sat up, pushing his head gently off of her stomach and sat on the bench, facing him as he stood up and looked at her.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe you should take me out on a date or something."

"I guess that would be nice."

"Seems how we're, you know, shagging…"

"I guess we are." He was looking bemusedly down at her, smiling slightly.

"You're being annoying again."

"It's a talent."

"_James_..." Why did he always have to antagonize her? She thought, sighing.

"Lily? Would you come to dinner with me tomorrow night?" he hooked a finger underneath her chin, bringing her face up to his. He gave her a small kiss.

"Of course." They smiled at each other.

Because the hot, heated embraces, and the brusque words storming out of their mouths like soldiers into war made them what they were. They were chaotic, boiling with fire and molten lava, and it was certainly not a good thing to have in a relationship but maybe it wasn't such a bad thing.

Because when it involved him and her, she thought, maybe too much of a wrong thing could be miraculous.

And that was why, on that Friday night, she gave up fighting to lose James Potter and began fighting to keep him.

_**A/N: I know, this chapter was out so quickly! I was just really bored today and I somehow banged out this chapter in a day, have no idea how I did it; guess I was all inspired and shit.**_

_**Thanks to everyone who reviewed and followed the last chapter, within the space of one day! haha**_

_**A couple people have said something along the lines of how J & L's relationship progressed pretty quickly. You are probably right but Marley and Emma back in ch 2 and James in this chapter all sort of implied that L&J had a sort of thang going on in sixth and seventh year that they never really acted upon so its sort of just happening now when they see each other again I suppose, so it's not such a sudden thing. **_

_**And also, I get tired of them fucking around in fics and taking a million chapters to get together and especially the classic Lily being all 'mehhh I hate him I love him I hate him I love him' for centuries so well I guess I had it happening quicker in this fic because I'm impatient but anyway tell me what your opinion is on this :)**_

_**Also, if anyone's wondering what the fuck happened to the lyric thing never fearrr because they're making a comeback next chapter I believe, I just didn't have any that fit well into these past three and I hatehatehate unrelated lyrics in fics. :)**_

_**Pleaassee please review, :)  
**_


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